Today's jokes [9.2.10]
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The Bachelor Diet
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers"
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for
Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.
Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.
A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she
replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the
difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"
What kind of Bees make honey?
What kind of Bees make Milk?
A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.
He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had.
The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was
far too expensive.
The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was
also too expensive.
Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened
to have her legs open ready.
The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom.
So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had
the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the
next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black
Again the prostitute had her legs open ready.
When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear
a black condom?
The pimp told him "To show respect for the dead."
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner
wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his
"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I
thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that
every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went
over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I
called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And
the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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