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Today's jokes [9.16.10]

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Why can't a man eat like a bird?

Have you ever tried to pick up food with your pecker?

Sent by Chris

1. 




Q. How can you tell if a man is sexually exited?
A. He's Breathing. 

2. 




Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin'
three whiskeys."
Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy,
it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's
celebratin', you are.
"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating
me first blow job."
Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.
"Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself,
here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration
with you."
Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal,
but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't
either." 

3. 




During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was 
asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of 
you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You 
undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, 
I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

4. 




   Golf in the Bedroom
   Rules of Play
   Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and
   two balls.
   Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
   Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
   keep the balls out of the
   hole.
   For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft.
   Course owners are
   permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
   Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
   damage to the hole.
   The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
   the course owner is
   satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in
   denied permission to play
   the course again.
   It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
   arrival at the course.
   The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire
   course, with special
   attention to well formed bunkers.
   Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played,
   or are currently
   playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have
   been known to
   damage a player's equipment for this reason.
   Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
   protection.
   Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
   scheduled, particularly
   when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players
   have been known to
   become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
   considered to be a private
   course.
   Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
   Some players may be
   embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.
   Players are advised to be
   extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
   alternate means of play
   at this time.
   Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
   attempting to play the
   back nine.
   Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
   proceed at a quicker
   pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
   It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
   same course several
   times in one month.
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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