Today's jokes [9.1.10]

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A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch
when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last
requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)
could you please do something to scare me?"

This blind guy was walking pass the fish market and he said
"Good morning ladies.."

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.
"I'm in love with my horse," he said.
"But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals. 
For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much."
"Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I 
feel toward my horse."
"Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?"
"Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot!"

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?



        Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
        timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow-
        ing agreement:

        Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",
        and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb",
        do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party
        of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
        position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
        duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina-
        tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
        entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
        area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
        illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be-
        tween the parties.

        The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
        limited to, the following steps:

        1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
        elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
        any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
        in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-
        negotiable.  Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second
        part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first
        part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the
        first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the
        party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-
        mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to
        perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The
        foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that
        structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
        may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and
        in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held
        blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement
        is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
        (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
        (Lawyer) throughout.

        2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
        ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
        the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
        Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
        and federal statutes.

        3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
        of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
        installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").
        This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
        reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-
        same document, being careful to note that the rotation should
        occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-
        negotiable.

        NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
        of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
        first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
        persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
        produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
        the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with
        maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth
        part, also known as "The Firm".

Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's?
A: Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you
….swear you'll never do it again.

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