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Today's jokes [8.7.10]

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A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a
blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..
woof..woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are
only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the
same price."

The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"

1. 




                      New Chemical Element Discovered
     
   
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively
named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass
of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally
occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be
found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
  


2. 




When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by 
the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs 
on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you, 
Miss Bell.  There's only one way you can get along in this 
school without submitting to the sexual advances of the
principal."

"Oh my God!  Well, er, what was is that?"

"I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."

3. 




An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign
exchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps
and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with
a typical "service" smile and "Have a nice day!"

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another
wad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand
out for his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less !!??" Whereupon the cashier replied
"Fluctuations!"

He screamed back "FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO!" I'm going back to Delhi!!! 

4. 




This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me
for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman
for UPS.  Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent
section of the city.  When I rang the bell, the door opened and
there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She
had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed
in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,
she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I
lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get
your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"
the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,
you jackass."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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