Today's jokes [8.5.10]
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An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots
of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a
surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where
the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and
immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of
him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes
of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:
"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family
there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box
of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the
door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom
where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day,
and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He
said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would
take to LICK a bathroom clean?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis
table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100
right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the
bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
"but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The
hamster is also a ventriloquist."
A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never
be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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