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Today's jokes [8.31.10]

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At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking 
at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." 

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" 

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I 
laughed at your dick' cards?" 

1. 




Good News, Bad News, Worse News V
 
  Good: 
        You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
   Bad: 
        She keeps interrupting
 Worse: 
        With corrections

2. 




This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know what
to do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up
and says, "Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s'pposed to take that thing you play
with and put it where I pee!"

...So he got his bowling bowl and threw it in the outhouse!

3. 




If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and
Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one 
would win?

Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that 
harass is one word.

4. 




An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they
decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was
wrong with them.

    When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they were having with their memory.  After checking the couple
out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to
start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The
couple thanked the doctor and left.

    Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

    He replied, "To the kitchen."

    She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

    He replied, "Sure."

    She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?"

    He said, "No, I can remember that."

    She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

    He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

    She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll
forget that so you'd better write it down."

    With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down!
I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen.

    After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a
plate of bacon and eggs.

    She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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