Today's jokes [8.29.10]
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!
What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana?
One's composing, the other is decomposing.
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a
young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were
somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off,
sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. "The weddin's off," he
shouted, "Everybody bugger off!" Dismayed and muttering, the guests
repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for
free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and
approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked. "Someone stole a keg of
beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father. The
guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the
other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All
right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!" As the farmers filed
back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride,
and asked "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg
Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says:
"Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian
slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night.
I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say,
"please pass the salt," but instead I said,
"You god damn bitch, you ruined my life."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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