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Today's jokes [8.28.10]

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.  They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

1. 




A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.

REPORTER: 

     Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering
     material for a documentary about the way of life in the
     remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
     interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you? 

SCOTSMAN: 

     Certainly... 

REPORTER: 

     Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name? 

SCOTSMAN: 

     Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round
     here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.

     You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I
     built more than half of them myself, but do they call me
     Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.

     And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
     several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
     they don't.

     But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep .... 

2. 




What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook ?

100 way to wok your dog.

3. 




What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

4. 




A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, 
they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never 
before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father 
for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the 
success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly 
feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as 
often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, 
to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her 
problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up 
in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the 
morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm 
afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room 
with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight 
out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While 
the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush 
your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed 
your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter 
asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice 
each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with 
her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until 
about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the 
husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had 
come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches 
the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, 
she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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