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Today's jokes [8.17.10]

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A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her
   looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
   
   He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a
   monkey. What an ugly kid."
   
   The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing
   uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to
   console her.
   
   He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get
   off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a
   banana for your monkey."
   


1. 




   A man visits his doctor.
   
   "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls
   has turned blue."
   
   The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would
   die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
   
   "Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such
   a thing to me?"
   
   "Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient
   had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the
   operation, he came back.
   
   "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue
   too."
   
   Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other
   testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.
   "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to
   agree to the operation.
   
   But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the
   doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now
   completely blue."
   
   After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the
   bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.
   
   Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to
   die?", asked the doctor.
   
   "But... how do I pee?"
   
   "We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
   
   So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the
   unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.
   
   "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
   
   "What?"
   
   "Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"
   
   So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and
   says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"
   


2. 




Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were 
planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being 
an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from 
some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that 
arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most 
trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to 
send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"

3. 




   A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a
   giraffe walked in.
   "Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try
   your luck?" replied
   the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to
   her. Within five
   minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the
   lion was drinking in the
   bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out,
   and can hardly hold
   himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink
   down his throat and
   said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the
   giraffe, what happened
   after that? Was she all right?"
   The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to
   dinner, had a couple
   of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the
   night. And oh, man!
   I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so
   exhausted?" asked
   the lion. "Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the
   screwing, I must have run a
   thousand miles!"
   


4. 




What does Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common? 

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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