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Today's jokes [8.13.10]

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On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily
business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star
of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the
cross wearer and the other was overlooked.
Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take
off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.
"Get this guy, Chaim" laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross
wearing pal, "He's trying to teach *us* how to do business!" 

1. 




   An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
   
   u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we
   have a bit of a problem with your husband."
   
   wife.. "What's wrong?"
   
   u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor
   Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and,
   basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."
   
   wife.. "Well, what can you do?"
   
   u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than
   standard but it will cost you an extra $500."
   
   wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the
   problem which is a little less expensive?"
   
   The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.
   
   u/t.. "We could remove his penis."
   
   wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we
   bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."
   
   u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his
   rectum."
   
   wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I
   want to see the body immediately before the funeral."
   
   u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."
   
   Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker
   shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in
   the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him
   look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind
   him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for
   the last time.
   
   She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private
   goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled
   out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around
   to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by
   herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody
   hurts, doesn't it?"
   


2. 




                           The College Food Chain
     
   
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.
  


3. 




What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all you're left
with is a greasy box.

4. 




   If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
   strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear
   and a superman cape.
   It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
   20 by 20 foot room
   When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
   late
   Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
   A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
   year old man says they can only do it in the movies
   If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
   does not leak - it explodes
   A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
   inches deep
   Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
   Super glue is forever
   McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
   No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
   walk on water
   Pool filters do not like Jello
   VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
   they do
   Always look in the oven before you turn it on
   The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
   The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
   It will however make cats dizzy
   Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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