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Today's jokes [8.11.10]

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Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the 
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He 
goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see 
what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the 
fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of 
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made 
you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

1. 




How come nobody from Mexico is ever in the olympics?

Because everybody that can Run, Jump, and Swim is already over here.

Sent by Paul

2. 




It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin.  I 
slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was 
turning it on.  It became firm in my hands, and the end was 
wet.  Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

3. 




   Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One
   felt guilty and decided
   he should stop at the church and confess.
   He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have
   sinned. I have
   committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."
   The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."
   The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant
   him forgiveness
   unless he did.
   "Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father."
   "No."
   "Was it Rosie Kelly?"
   "No."
   "Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
   "No."
   "Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."
   When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you
   find forgiveness."
   "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
   


4. 




The doctor took Bill into the room and said,
"Bill, I have some good news and some bad news." 

Bill said, "Give me the good news." 

"They're going to name a disease after you." 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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