Today's jokes [8.10.10]
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A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are
charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in
the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!",
the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and
said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who
continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an
electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge
thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right
now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next
to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool
when I needed to borrow one!"
What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?
"The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
Build an Ark
The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until
the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want
you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the
blueprints for the ark."
Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things
"The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to
change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance
by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..
"The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a
state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
"The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the
flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
"The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission
said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
"I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to
Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to
devastate the earth?"
"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They
must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
must be a god!
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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