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Today's jokes [8.10.10]

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    A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are
   charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in
   the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!",
   the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and
   said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
   "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who
   continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an
   electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge
   thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right
   now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next
   to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool
   when I needed to borrow one!"


1. 




What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?

"The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."

2. 




A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an 
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one 
contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is 
that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed 
to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

3. 




    Build an Ark

   The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until
   the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want
   you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the
   blueprints for the ark."
   Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
   Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
   "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
   "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things
   happened.
   "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to
   change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance
   by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..
   "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a
   state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
   "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the
   flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
   plain.
   "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying
   taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission
   said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
   "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
   Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to
   shine.
   Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to
   devastate the earth?"
   "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."


4. 




   THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS
   A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
   me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They
   must be gods!
   A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
   me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
   must be a god!


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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