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Today's stories [7.16.10]

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This is an honest-to-God, true story. About 20 years ago, when 
I was a young girl, and prettier than now, I got all dolled-up for 
New Year's Eve, with a long floor length  gown, as was the 
custom, then. I was especially dressed up, because, as I said, 
it was New Year's Eve. My husband took me to the Casinos in 
Atlantic City, and we were seated at a table, playing Blackjack, 
for about a half hour, and the other players and dealer were 
staring and staring at me, something fierce !!. I thought to 
myself, WOW, I must look BEAUTIFUL, tonight ! (You know how 
we all feel, when we are dressed to the hilt, and have new duds 
on. Ha. Ha. )  SO, I thought, this was the case, and was feeling 
SO GOOD! All of a sudden, I lost a hand, where I had foolishly 
placed a $25.00 bet (Don't forget, that cheap me, had been 
playing only $2.00, a hand, prior to this). I said to myself: "OH 
SHIT, I LOST!!!!!!!", and placed my left hand on my head. 
HOLY COW !! At that very moment, I touched Hair Rollers, on 
my head. I whispered to my husband, "Take my money, and 
meet me at the Ladie's Room, I'm not coming back". I was so 
humiliated, I wanted to die. When I reached the Mirror in the 
bathroom, and looked, I had three pink rollers on the right side 
of my head, and 3 green rollers on the left side of my head. Can 
you believe this person, I'm married to? Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I can 
laugh now, but it was VERY Embarrasing ! When he met me at 
the Bathroom, and I started to fight, he calmly told me "Well, I 
DIDN'T KNOW !  I  thought, this was a new fashion, so I didn't 
say anything!

Sent by Elena

1. 




Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
yesterday.  While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo)  with a
group of thespians from St.  Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to
show them one of America's many marvels.  He demonstrated the 
effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"  ...  the hard way.

Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, 
so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and
jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.

The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not
initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its
arrival as a baby.  However, once it became aware of its being 
involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the 
petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger.

"Sally (the rhino)  hasn't been feeling well lately.  She had been very
constipated.  We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to 
relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank,"  said James 
Douglass, caretaker.

During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, 
and a number of small animals escaped.  Also, during the stampede, three 
pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death.  As for Demuth, it took a 
team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from 
the rhino's buttocks.

First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down.  However, during 
this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly 
showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea.

"It was tricky.  We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield 
our faces from being pelted with rhino dung.  I guess you could say that 
Demuth was into it up to his neck.

Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to 
keep an air passage open for Mr.  Demuth.  We were able to tranquilize her 
and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,"  said Douglass.  
"I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with
the power of the adhesive.  "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of
course they can't take it to the zoo,"  commented Vladimir Zolnikov, 
leader of the troupe.

2. 




Bachelor Blake had a telephone problem last summer. Some dude who
works a night shift apparently has a phone number almost identical to
Blake's.
Starting around midnight, he'd phone every hour and say, "Hey,
what're you doing there, Mister? Where's my wife?"
Blake'd reply, "You have the wrong number."
The man would snarl suspiciously, "Yeah, I'll bet!" cuss a short streak,
and hang up.
Blake put up with this abuse for exactly three nights. On the fourth
night, when the called and asked, "Hey, what're you doing...," Blake 
interrupted in a frantic screech, "For Pete's sake, call the cops! My wife 
followed me here, she's chasing your wife with an axe, and she's gonna... 
HONEY, DON'T...ARGGGGH!"
The man hollered, "What happened? What? Are you there? Hold on, I'll send 
the police!" The phone clicked, the dial tone came on, and Blake hasn't 
been bothered by night calls since.

3. 



BONUS! A random story from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




This guy was playing a game of texas holdem poker and had already lost 300 dollars when suddenly he looked down, and just next to the table he sees a little green leprechaun.
"Jus quit playing poker right now and I will give you a million dollars worth in a pot full of gold said the little green gentlemen.
The player replied, sure "just Let me get even first."


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