Today's jokes [7.9.10]
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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I
am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace,
where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I
am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am
the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is
The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor
"Big Chief no fart." The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day.
The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, "Big Chief no
fart." The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten
pills an hour. The girl comes back the next day and says, "Big Chief no
fart." After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her
to give him a jar an hour. The next day the girl comes back crying and
says "Big fart no Chief!"
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall
that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order."
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he
hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the
customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this --
that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the
local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He
decided to seek compensation for his ailment.
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is
interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish
to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to
protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept
in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, thatís right. All lead.
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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