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Today's jokes [7.31.10]

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Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench.
The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL!
The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The
second little old lady had a little stroke. 

The third little old lady would have had a
stroke................but her arms weren't quite long enough. 

1. 




A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out
a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

2. 




Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home?
A: They put parking meters on the roof!

3. 




Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led
down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had
given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and
a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning
to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked,
"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Sent by Zena

4. 




One day an older fella was in for a checkup.
After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the
greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were
25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from!
How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think
a man would want to get married at that age!"

"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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