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Today's jokes [7.28.10]

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Q. What do elephants use for tampoons ?
A. Sheep.


1. 




What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?

The Spice Girls!

2. 




Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three 
years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now. 
Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that 
I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

3. 




My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check
for $1,000.00  from the government for not raising hogs.  So I want to
go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

  What I want to know is, in your  opinion,  what is the best  kind of
farm not to  raise  hogs on and what is the best  breed of hogs not to
raise?  I want to be sure that I approach  this  endeavor  in  keeping
with  all   governmental   policies.  I  would  prefer  not  to  raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

  As I see it, the hardest part of this  program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

  My  friend,  Peterson,  is  very  joyful  about  the  future  of the
business.  He has been  raising  hogs for twenty  years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

  If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not  raising  100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small  scale at first,
holding  myself  down to about 4,000 hogs not raised,  which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.

  Now  another  thing.  These hogs I will not be raising  will not eat
100,000  bushels of corn.  I understand  that you also pay farmers for
not  raising  corn and  wheat.  Will I qualify  for  payments  for not
raising  wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000  hogs I am not  going to
raise?

  I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

  Also, I am considering  the "not milking cows"  business, so send me
any information on that too.

  In view  of  these  circumstances,  you  understand  that I will  be
totally  unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

  Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.


Patriotically yours,


Jean Partridge



4. 




Q: Who makes more money, a whore or a drug pusher?
A: The whore because she can lick her crack and use it again.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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