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Today's jokes [7.14.10]

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Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further 
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition 
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as 
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your 
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find 
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer 
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating 
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture 
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a 
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload" 
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my 
personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about 
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour 
hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten 
up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying 
to
kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent 
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
u
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect 
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in 
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, 
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit 
your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really 
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
___________

1. 




Q: What is hard, 6 inches long and fun to play with in bed?
A: A Gameboy!


2. 




I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my 
secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an 
agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four 
hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. 

She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 
a week."

3. 




Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book? 

                       Because they all have phones. 

4. 




There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.
When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and
exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to
show your ticket here, not your stub." 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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