Today's jokes [7.13.10]

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How do you scare a man? 

     Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. 

An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating
for several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy,
"We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two
rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate
food and cooking separate meals. We should just
move in together. 

Betsy: Whose house would we live in? 
Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for. 
Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on? 
Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine. 
Betsy: Who would do the cooking? 
Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes. 
Betsy: What about sex? 
Elmer: Infrequently. 
Betsy: Is that one word or two?

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on
  a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher
  accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff
  stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it
  and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague
  asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was
  okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

   Cold Hands

   There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she
   say's "my hands are
   really cold, how can I warm them up?" Her mother say's "Put them
   between your legs,
   that will warm them up." So she does, and her mother was right. The
   next day the girl is
   riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are
   cold, so the girl say's,
   "Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." So he does, and
   his hands get
   warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy.
   The day after that
   he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between
   my legs and warm it
   up." So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she
   asks, "Mom have you
   ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" She
   says I don't know
   what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!
   

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." 
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?" 
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass." 

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