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Today's jokes [7.12.10]

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There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.
One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.
He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucket
please?"
The assistant asked"Pardon sir?".
"Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. 
"Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.
The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for his
bucket and went into the antique shop. 

In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -
"Can I have a cock please?" 
The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". 
The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" 
The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." 
So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. 

The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and
asked "Can I have a bum please?" 
The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". 
So he repeated himself "Can I have a bum please?". 
The assistant said " Oh right, you mean a bun!". 
The old man said "Yes that's what I said in the first place."
So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. 

As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to
him and asked "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?"
The man replied "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while
I get my cock out." 

1. 




Billy was 14 and just started jerkin off. He loved to jerk off. However, 
one day, his dad walked in on him while he was jerkin off! Billy was so 
embarrassed. He pulled up his pants as quick as he could. But, his dad 
already seen him.
"Billy," said his dad, "doing that will make you go blind"
"Dad," he replied, "I'm over here!"

2. 




Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or 
an airline stewardess?

A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're 
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this 
over your mouth and nose, and breath
normally."

3. 




Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their
   picture.


4. 




Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? 

     - Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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