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Today's jokes [6.8.10]

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A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously 
really angry . He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced 
down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys". 
The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I 
highly resent that remark".
"Why, are you an attorney?"
"No, I'm an asshole."

1. 




Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.


2. 




A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the
bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other
one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the
same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's
going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? The
man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date
drunk."

3. 




Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried 
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with 
friends and relatives.  His father tried every way possible to get 
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, 
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and 
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to 
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle 
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the 
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without 
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be 
seen and the card players continued without any further 
interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, 
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a 
peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
masturbate."

4. 




Aspirin makes a great contraceptive. Jhold it between your knees.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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