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Today's jokes [6.23.10]

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How do you know Monica Lewinsky is Jewish?
If she wasn't,she wouldn't have stained her dress.

1. 




Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. 
One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator 
together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was 
completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was 
fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen 
to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still 
look so spry and unbothered when it's over."
The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?" 


2. 




   Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
   left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to
   visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
   
   He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
   ability to stand up and pee.
   
   "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging
   around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you
   wanted that ability."
   
   Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd
   love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should
   do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It
   would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the
   animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it
   be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh
   please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who
   had to pee).
   
   Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that
   if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort
   of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam
   were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
   
   And so it was. And it was...well, good.
   
   "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And
   what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
   


3. 




   A man walks in to a doctors office and says, "Doctor you must help me.
   I have AIDS."
   The doctor replies, "Are you gay?" The man answers "yes." The doctor
   says, "I think I
   can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart
   of prune juice.Take
   ALL of the laxatives and drink ALL of the prune juice. Take a nap for
   a couple of hours.
   When you wake up your problem will be solved." The man answers, "Will
   that cure my
   AIDS?" The doctor replies, "No, but you will find out what your ass
   hole is really for!"
   


4. 




A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some
candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair
on the floor. 
"Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?" asked the barber. 
"Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!" said the girl! 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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