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Today's jokes [6.2.10]

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What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings. 

1. 




An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast
table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. 
The old man said,"You know, 50 years ago, we were probably
sitting here buck naked." 
The woman said, "Why don't we try that again?" 
So they stripped and sat down at the table again. 
Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my titties are as hot for
you today as they were 50 years ago."
The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your
oatmeal and the others in your coffee!" 

2. 




Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was 
showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned 
to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives 
flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great. 
Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' `Why?' 
says her friend. `Don't you have a vase?'" 

They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women 
are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from 
their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting 
with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling 
shriek!

"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend. 

"Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..." 

3. 




A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked
why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes,
sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous
place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called
Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to
bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and
let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got
strength but no length."  Another man says to the lady,
"Take your hand off my trick!"
"I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered,
"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for
one raise." Another lady was talking about protecting her
honor. Another lady said, "Now it's time for me to play with
your husband and you can play with mine."
"Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I
hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll
go home now. This is the last rubber"

4. 




What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?

A salad shooter.

5. 



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