Today's jokes [5.5.10]
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How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton happy he named his dog "Buddy?"
A: Because it's a BAD TIME to be yelling "come Spot!" in the Whitehouse.
There was a drunk man walking down the street turning
his car keys back and forth.
A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?"
The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw
it, it was on the end of these keys."
The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?"
The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"
What do you call three blondes on Santa's Lap??
Ho Ho Ho
Sent by Adam
A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large
glass bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the
bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an
ongoing challenge at this particular bar.
"For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them
all successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest
of the money."
The fellow expresses an interest in the idea.
"Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is.
A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole
one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy
mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of
he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that."
Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates
his chest and prods the bartender on.
"Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady
who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you
gotta make her finish if you know what I mean."
"Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow.
"Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing."
Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into
the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars
stare on, having seen many men fail.
After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his
way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good
half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the
wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions.
As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to
the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back
door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye.
The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and
"Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her fuckin' tooth
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