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Today's jokes [5.4.10]

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Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering 
I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice 
holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along 
my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my 
grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They 
look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried
Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a
good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over
again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would
have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of
my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating
off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used
to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the 
frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about 
sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive 
family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling 
grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the 
black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

1. 




Why did the pervert cross the road?

He was stuck to the chicken.

2. 




A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on 
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. 
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,
what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he
asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

3. 




Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember 
anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?

4. 




Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars 
between them, but they had built up a computer business with 
sales in the millions. Their company employed over two 
hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, 
former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill 
and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they 
parted on unfriendly terms. 

Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped 
for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the 
table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.

"Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, 
seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this."

"Yeah," Mahoney said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here."

5. 



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