Today's jokes [5.4.10]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering
I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice
holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along
my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my
grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They
look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried
Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a
good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over
again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would
have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of
my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating
off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used
to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the
frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about
sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive
family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling
grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the
black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was stuck to the chicken.
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,
what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars
between them, but they had built up a computer business with
sales in the millions. Their company employed over two
hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply,
former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill
and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they
parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped
for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the
table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.
"Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing,
seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this."
"Yeah," Mahoney said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here."
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29