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Today's jokes [5.30.10]

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A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS
country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

Ray listened patiently.  "That's amazing.  Where I come from
there's really only one."

"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one?  And which way is that?"

"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "

"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"

1. 




Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice
mail. People don't call you just because they want to give
you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU
to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your
calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond
during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks
like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're
being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method
of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when
nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the
caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't
involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever
hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your
voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can
hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to
do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that
takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers
will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox
is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in
high demand.

2. 




                      Are You About to Employ a Robot?
     
   
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB  Psychology
Department.   It  is  intended  to be used by companies  that  are
recruiting on campus.  With this test you can determine whether an
applicant you are interviewing is a Robot,  a Vulcan/Math MAjor,  or a
Liberal Arts major.

       Tear off here, and administer test below to students
                 ----------------------------------

 Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1.   If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
          0) Shakespeare  1) Math books   2) Fluid oil

2.   If I could have any job, I would be a _____
          0) writer  1) professor    2) McDonald's employee

3.   On weekends, I go to _____
          0) The beach    1) The library  2) goto 10

4.   My favorite hobby is _____
          0) Poetry  1) Open math problems     2) memorizing

5.   I have taken ______ English classes.
          0) Many    1) Enough to communicate  2) fori=1to++x10goto10

6.   What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
          0) Ask a Vulcan      1) In my head   2) Brute force with
                                               Cray 2 Supercomputer

7.   What have you learned in school that you value the most?
          0) Latin   1) How to operate my HP-28C  2) Complex Analysis

8.   In between classes, I like to _____
          0) Talk with my friends   1)  Study proofs  2) Add numbers on
                                                      my calculator

9.   When I have a report due, I type it on_____
          0) My manual typewriter
          1) The school's word processor
          2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud


10.  Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
          0) Friends      1) Books   2) Calculator manuals

11.  The best use of a computer is _____
          0) A door stop    1) Graphing functions  2) Friends

12.  When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
          0) A hamburger  1) A twinkie    2) Thrown out

13.  What part of speech is "interface"?
          0) A noun  1) A noun and a verb   2) Not enough data

14.  What do you consider to be paradise?
          0) Total happiness   1) Total knowledge   2) Two calculators

15.  What type of music do you like?
          0) Popular music     1) Classical music   2) Static noise

16.  What is your favorite game?
          0) Monopoly     1) Chess   2) Data entry races

17.  My favorite Movie show is _____
          0) Ruthless People   1) Star Trek II      2) Short Circuit

18.  If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
          0) Write it on my arm
          1) Derive it during test
          2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks

19.  The person I marry must have_____
          0) Beauty  1) Intelligence      2) An RS232 serial port

20.  What I fear the most is _____
          0) Death   1) Emotions     2) Water

--------------------------------

Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at
the following table.

00-14  Liberal Arts
15-20  Vulcan/Math Major
21-40  Robot!!!
  


3. 




"...And the halftime score here at the Colleusium is Lions 7,
Christians Nothing. We'll be right back after these messages..." 

4. 




   What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ?
   1) You only get laid once.
   2) You only get eaten once.
   3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
   4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
   5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
   


5. 



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