Today's jokes [5.29.10]
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This was originally posted in rec.sport.pro-wrestling
I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they
punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda'
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap
monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one.
He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
I like monkeys.
Why didnt NASA send a woman to the moon yet?
Because it does not need to be cleaned!
A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow
$200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what
kind of collateral he has. The man says 'I've got a
Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off
-- here are the keys.'
Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays
back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains
possession of the Rolls Royce.
The loan officer asks him, 'Sir, if I may ask, why
would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow
two hundred dollars?'
The man answers, 'I had to go to Europe for six months,
and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that
long for ten dollars?'
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q. Why couldn't the Lesbian tennis star compete in the Dutch Open?
A. She got her finger caught in a dike!
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