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Today's jokes [5.27.10]

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The company sergent is briefing the recruits:

"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,
and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you
know what that makes you..."


Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him 
that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in 
heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him 
a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who 
says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your 
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - 
St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, 
one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the 
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel 
says to the other,  "My goodness!  Fidel has been in hell no more than
ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"


A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll
have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly
20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."


Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem! Mongo: The hell I do! 
Buford: The hell you don't!
Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink...I get drunk...I fall 
down. No problem! 


   Mr Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman says, "Mr
   Smith, how are you?" Smith says, "I feel great." Doorman says, "But
   you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I feel great."
   When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he is. He
   says, "I feel great!" She says, "But you look terrible." He says, "But
   I feel great." Smith goes to lunch with his friend and they have just
   the same conversation. His friend insists that he goes to the doctor
   and so that is what Mr Smith does.
   The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel great but I
   look terrible." Dr says, "I don't know that ailment so I'll look in my
   medical book." The doctor takes out a huge tome. "Feels great, looks
   terrible..." he says as he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks
   terrible.... Feels gre... I've got it!! You're a vagina!"


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