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Today's jokes [5.22.10]

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   A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I
   was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the
   tiny ones for $10."
   
   Husband: "What about one my size?"
   
   Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
   
   Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd
   had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight
   ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."
   
   Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
   
   Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
   


1. 




   On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
   in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the
   parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"
   
   The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
   forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the
   parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you
   bitch!"
   
   Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still
   no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's
   approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch,
   or I'll give you a slap."
   
   Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown
   out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
   the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a
   lippy bastard!"
   


2. 




A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.
People are running frantically, trying to figure out
what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper
to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One
strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front
of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.
Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food
from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two
homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says,
"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!" 

3. 




Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,
"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"

4. 




   Tell ya what though, I don't have it nearly as rough as one of my
   neighbors. When he attends a wife swapping party, he has to throw in
   the maid, and a mistress to be named later.


5. 



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