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Today's jokes [5.13.10]

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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in 
love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never 
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they 
decide to ask the rabbi. 
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the 
following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have 
the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and 
should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man 
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and 
she is still unsatisfied.  Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make 
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed 
with the wife and the husband waves the towel.  The young man gets to work 
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking 
screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,  
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

1. 




What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag.

2. 




The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with
her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be
when they grew up.
A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they
revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped,
"What did you say?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet
Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant." 

3. 




   Miracle Bra Alternative
   A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
   length mirror. This
   does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
   looking at herself, asking
   him how she looks.
   One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
   mirror, now complaining
   that her breasts are too small.
   Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
   want your breasts to
   grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
   your breasts for a few
   seconds."
   Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
   stands in front of the
   mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
   "How long will this take?" she asks.
   "They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he
   replies.
   The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
   between my breasts
   everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
   The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
   


4. 




A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a
robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to
the bartender,
"This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" 

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" 
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" 
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! 
I'll do whatever you say!" 
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and 
says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!" 
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" 
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited,
he drops the gun. 
The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back
to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends
might walk in!" 

5. 



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