Today's jokes [5.13.10]
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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in
love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have
the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and
should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and
she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag.
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with
her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be
when they grew up.
A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they
revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped,
"What did you say?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet
Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."
Miracle Bra Alternative
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
length mirror. This
does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
looking at herself, asking
him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
mirror, now complaining
that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
want your breasts to
grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
your breasts for a few
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the
mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts
everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a
robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to
"This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids!
I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and
says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!"
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited,
he drops the gun.
The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back
to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends
might walk in!"
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