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Today's jokes [5.11.10]

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What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang 
                    bang, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop?

                    An 'Amish' drive-by shooting

1. 




The Latest Breaking News on the GoodTimes Virus


   It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very
dangerous after all.  Goodtimes will re-write your hard
drive.  Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are
even close to your computer.  It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes
melty.  It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to
play.

  It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.  It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.  It will drink all
your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when
company comes over.  It will put a dead kitten in the back
pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when
you are late for work.

   Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.  It
will give you nightmares about circus midgets.  It will pour
sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows
while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing
the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

    It will seduce your grandmother.  It does not matter if
she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

   It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you
can't find it.  It will kick your dog.  It will leave
libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle.  It is dangerous and terrifying
to behold.  It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

   Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.  It will leave
the toilet seat up.  It will make a batch of Methamphetamine
in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove
while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new
snowblower.


2. 




The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting 
together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across 
their path, totally nude. "Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!" the 
Frenchman said, smacking his lips.

So the Italian shot her.

3. 




At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human
reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born
with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce
millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One
young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."

4. 




   One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse
   slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which
   was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and
   then about 200 men walking in single file.
   
   Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and
   asked him who was in the first hearse.
   
   "My wife," the man replied.
   
   "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
   
   "My dog bit her and she died."
   
   Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
   
   The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
   well."
   
   Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
   borrow your dog?"
   
   To which the man replied, "Get in line."
   


5. 



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