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Today's jokes [4.6.10]

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(This joke requires the use a small visual.  I'll describe the visual
first, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it)   
Visual:  Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also
stretched wide open.
Joke:  Why did the blonde want to date Jesus?  She heard he was (use
visual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!

1. 




A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a
beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how
much it would cost to repair the condom.
  The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot
welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he
could sell the private a new one.
  The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in
two hours with an answer."
  Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:
"The regiment has voted to replace."

2. 




   There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest
   cities was totally
   destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy.
   With that many people
   of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to
   interview everyone.
   The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a
   large cheer went up, and
   there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line
   were curious about
   what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the
   front of the line,
   "what's going on?" Someone called back "They ain't gonna count
   fucking."
   


3. 




A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the
window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an
answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy
asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother
that Southwest always pulls out on time." 


4. 




There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary 
school working nights as a taxidermist. 

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better 
serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his 
practice and, therefore, his income. 

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, 
Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!" 

5. 



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