Today's jokes [4.3.10]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man
1) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of
lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy
only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the
man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy
and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just
whores and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from
The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?"
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully
and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing
what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again,
she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes
one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she
caught you at it, too."
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if
he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so
he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta
fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer,
I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to
sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you
This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment
unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first
question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer
doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar
bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with
his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer
politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks
"Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer
$5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
What makes a man think he's so great ?
1) He has a belly button that won't work.
2) He has tits that won't give milk.
3) He has a cock that won't crow.
4) He has balls that won't roll.
5) He has an ass that won't carry a thing.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30