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Today's jokes [4.29.10]

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A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly,
he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding
a frying pan in hand.
Man:  "What was that for?"
Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" 
written on it?"
Man:  "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
races? Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again
he is bonked on the head.
Man:  "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."

1. 




   Little Johnny

   A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny
   answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, 
   "little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the
   carpet and says, "what do you think?"
   


2. 




Stress-Relieving Prayer



Lord,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

                 Amen.



3. 




 DAYS
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts
open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five
bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a
large table.  The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and  they  begin
toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"  Soon, three more blondes
arrive, take up their drinks and the  chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!" Two more blondes show up and soon  their voices are joined in raising
the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"  Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with
a picture under her arm.  She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the
middle and the table  erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around
the table, exchanging  high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the
table.  There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the
Cookie Monster.  When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the  bartender asks
one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?


The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are dumb and they make fun of us.  So, we decided to set the record  straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of
the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days ! " 



4. 




On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
   a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
   move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
   replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm
   not moving."
   Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
   co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her
   to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
   replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm
   not moving."
   The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
   should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
   to handle this."
   He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
   She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
   herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
   Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
   her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told
   her the first class section wasn't going to New York."


5. 



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