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Today's jokes [4.28.10]

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Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" The 
second guy says, "No." "A bald eagle just flew over head." "Oh." A couple 
of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No." "There
was a black bear walking on that hill over there." "Oh." A few minutes 
later the second guy says, "Did you see that?" The second guy, getting 
aggravated, says, "Yes, I did!" The first guy then says, "Then why did you 
step in it?"


                 CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A
special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree
present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for
your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are
allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package
everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have
to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will have
booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for
those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do,
a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's
breaks. Okay???



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday

Party People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO
dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to
be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or family
feuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed their
mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get
a notification in the mail sent to your home.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday Party

I have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@
do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your
address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will
be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will
have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!


FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.

Happy Holidays!


Q: What does a women do with her ass in the morning???
A: She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work....


   Out All Night Drinking

   An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
   says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
   on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
   maybe that will sober him up.
   Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
   home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
   through the door and up the stairs.
   When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
   he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
   He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
   him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
   "How did you know?" he asks.
   "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."


A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after
arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone
rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a
colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.
"In fact, three doctors are there already!"


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