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Today's jokes [4.20.10]

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                         Certificate of Upgrade to
                              Complete Asshole

                    Certificate of Upgrade


                       Complete Asshole

                        is awarded to


In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss

People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total

Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many

Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others

During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own


To Recognize Your Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole

Gives All Concerned Great Satisfaction.  If Anyone, For Any

Reason, Doubts Your Status,

                      JUST BE YOURSELF!

Effective Date _________________  Signed _____________________


One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.
He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking
through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old
boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, "Young
man, you're much too young to smoke!"

The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!"

The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You say
that to *me*, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of
the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for
millions of people, young man, the representative of God,
and you dare to say that to *me*? No, no, no, kid, fuck *YOU*!"


What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman in their holding cell at
the jail?

"Stop playing with my lunch."


Good News, Bad News, Worse News II

        Your son studies a lot in his room
        You find several porn movies hidden there
        You're in them


This guy goes into a restaurant. He's a little more than strung out from
lack of sleep. The waiter asked for his order. Trying to be funny he asked
the waiter for a hit of his best heroin. Struggling to keep a straight
The waiter says,"I'm sorry sir, we're all out".
"In that case bring me an espresso and a syringe", our friend says.
Being a restaurant that prided itself on good service the waiter brought
him an espresso, with a straw of course.


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