Today's jokes [4.18.10]
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How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?
When you find a string in your bloody mary.
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring
in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip
and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long
as there's no homework."
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and
drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.
She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes
his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to
get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful
and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there
anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she
puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and
says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
What is the loose skin around the pussy called?
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to
reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Howard. You're a veterinarian."
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