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Today's jokes [4.12.10]

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A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- 
law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke 
to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted 
on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and 
started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they 
came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up 
against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood 
facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into 
this mess, let him get himself out of it."

1. 




   This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a
   problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know
   how to say one thing."
   
   "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to
   have some fun?' "
   
   "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to
   your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house
   and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to
   pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop
   saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to
   praise and worship."
   
   "Thank you!" the woman responded.
   
   So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
   house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and
   praying in their cage.
   
   The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the
   female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some
   fun?"
   
   One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put
   the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
   


2. 




How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

3. 




Here's a gross one:


What's the similarity between Michael Jackson and McDonalds?

They both stick their beef between 9 year old buns.

4. 




Examination to Qualify for Entrance to

                                           UNLV

                                    (basketball players only)

                                        Time Limit: 3 weeks

                                                *


1.      What language is spoken in France?

2.      Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
        reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
        -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3.      Would you ask William Shakespeare to
            (a) build a bridge
            (b) sail the ocean
            (c) lead an army or
            (d) WRITE A PLAY

4.      What religion is the Pope?
            (a) Jewish
            (b) Catholic
            (c) Hindu
            (d) Polish
            (e) Agnostic  (check only one)

5.      Metric conversion.  How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6.      What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
        is on the 5?

7.      How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8.      What are people in America's far north called?
            (a) Westerners
            (b) Southerners
            (c) Northerners
            (d) Easterners

9.      Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.

10.     Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
        George the Sixth.  Name the previous five.

11.     Where does rain come from?
            (a) Macy's
            (b) a 7-11
            (c) Canada
            (d) the sky

12.     Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
            (a) yes
            (b) no

13.     What are coat hangers used for?

14.     The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15.     Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
        -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16.     Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17.     Which part of America produces the most oranges?
            (a) New York
            (b) Florida
            (c) Canada
            (d) Wisconsin

18.     Advanced math.  If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19.     What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20.     The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
            (a) B.C.
            (b) A.D.
            (c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify



5. 



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