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Today's stories [3.12.10]

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My brother was his graduating class's validictorian.

When he stood up to speak, all was going just fine, until he closed 
with, "and in closing I'll just say that there are two great honors a man 
can hope to achieve in his lifetime. And these two honors are, GET ON HER 
and STAY ON HER !"  The crowd busted a gut laughing, but my father was in 
big hot water since Mom knew exactly who had coached my brother with that 
one.  


Sent by Jennifer

1. 




---- ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) --
A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving 
car's sun roof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" 
by dozens of eye witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a 
twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman 
who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw 
twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side 
of the road who she claimed was Jesus. "She started screaming "He's back!, 
He's back!" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof 
of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann 
Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. "I was slowing down but she 
wouldn't wait till I stopped," Willams said. She thought the rapture was 
happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the 
sky," he went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said 
Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who 
looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume 
party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and 
released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium which then floated up 
into the air. Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several 
of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms 
into the air in frustration, and said "Come back," just as the Williams' 
car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting 
people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, 
who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else. When asked for 
comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too 
weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."

2. 




Zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin Goncang wins "Worst Job in
Singapore".

Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo,has set
up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve species.

The thankless task of collecting the sperm falls to Mr.  Binatang's,
starting his rounds at 4 a.m. "We start so early in the morning because
a lot of the animals have 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's
easier to collect the sperm.

Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice and
tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he'd just graduated from
Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature
and animals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect
place to work.

"I never thought I'd be giving an orang-utan a hand job every morning,"
he said somewhat ruefully. "And he is the worst, he expects to be kissed 
first. "As we approached the orang-utan enclosure, we saw the Zoo's most 
famous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, and
sporting a huge erection.

Applying the massage oil onto his gloves, he lingered outside the
enclosure before entering and knelt before the orange beast. About 2
minutes' worth of squelching noises could be heard before Mr.Binatang
emerged again.

Next the tiger enclosure, the big cats were sprawled lazily on the grass
verge, in a somewhat half-hearted manner as he put on a fresh set of 
gloves and entered the enclosure.  "Here, kitty, kitty,kitty..."

Moments later, he emerged with several tupperware full of viscous 
fluid.

"Isn't it dangerous?" we asked.

Mr. Binatang was silent for a while.

"They know I'm not there as an enemy," he finally said, a glazed,
faraway look in his eyes.

Worked his way round the zoo, finished his rounds at 3 pm in the
afternoon. Carrying out his duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros,
giraffe and the gorillas, amongst others.  "Each animal is different,"
he said, removing his gloves, now speckled with traces of polar bear
spunk.

"The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is
the most tricky because of the size of its thing... sometimes I have to
use both my arms to tug on it." "As you can expect it's really 
affecting my sex life.

I can't help it. Each time my wife initiates sex, these ejaculating
hippos keep floating through my mind."

How long will he stay difficult to know, but deputy assistant director
Lai Jee Seow thinks it is important to continue.

"It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over
every morning to pull them off," said "Many of them now can't be
bothered to engage in real sex."

3. 



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