Today's jokes [3.5.10]
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The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted
by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service
from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called
the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our
community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their
habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still
tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually
use is 'fucking shovel'".
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
"Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between
boys and girls,"
and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny
So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom,and closes the door.
- first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- ok, now take off my skirt...
And he takes off her skirt.
- now take off my bra.
Which he does.
- and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
And when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would
spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house,
he was told that the only way he could play today was if he
was willing to play along with three nuns.
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole
he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first.
He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.
"Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language
around us." said the nun.
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty
yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them.
"Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun.
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting
to cross the street,
when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
retrieves a doggie biscuit
which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
dog just pissed all
down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
going to teach him
much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
just trying to find his
head so I can kick his ass!"
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
triple scotch whiskey.
As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a
heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and
found my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple
scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him,
"What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye
and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
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