Today's jokes [3.5.10]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted 
by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service 
from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called 
the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our 
community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said 
the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their 
habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still 
tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company 
spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually 
use is 'fucking shovel'".

   Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
   indicating that
   "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between
   boys and girls,"
   and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny
   about this."
   So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
   bedroom,and closes the door.
   - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.
   So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
   - ok, now take off my skirt...
   And he takes off her skirt.
   - now take off my bra.
   Which he does.
   - and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
   And when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
   "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
   

This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would
spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house,
he was told that the only way he could play today was if he
was willing to play along with three nuns. 
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole
he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. 
He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.
"Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language
around us." said the nun. 
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." 
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty
yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. 
"Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. 
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. 
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree." 

   A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting
   to cross the street,
   when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
   herringbone tweed
   trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
   retrieves a doggie biscuit
   which he starts to offer to Fido.
   A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
   happening and
   interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
   dog just pissed all
   down the leg of your pants?"
   "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
   blind man.
   "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
   going to teach him
   much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
   To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
   just trying to find his
   head so I can kick his ass!"
   

   A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
   triple scotch whiskey.
   
   As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a
   heavy drink. What's wrong?"
   
   After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and
   found my wife having sex with my best friend."
   
   "Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple
   scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on
   the house."
   
   As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him,
   "What did you do?"
   
   "I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in
   the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
   get the hell out."
   
   "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"
   
   The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye
   and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
   

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   March '10 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31