Today's jokes [3.26.10]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Q: How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.
The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so
they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on
the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths
together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard
to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that
we're finally married Kenny."
After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the
dark, "God dammit Kenny !!! Will you please convince her so's we can
all get some sleep ???"
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day
he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he
leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.
He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of
Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be
left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She
asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily
agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on
his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she
tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first
after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first
person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen
minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over
and kisses the woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct
approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front
of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting
desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.
They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next
when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect
the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out
the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
should he see, but his
old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris
looked so down and
dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say,
Chris, how ya
doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had
looked sad before, at
the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came
to his eye.
"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't
sell a tractor these days
to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and
soon, or else I'll lose that
dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
got it bad, I got it
worse. Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other
morning to milk
Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no
sooner did I sit
down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a
slappin' me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over
the rafters, and tied ol'
Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work." "I didn't even
get two squirts into the
bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy,
did that upset
me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the
side of the milking stall,
and get a started trying to milk her again." "Well by this time,
Bessy's about livid, and she
doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other
hind leg. I wasn't about
to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and
tied up Bessy's left leg
to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
"Well, did you finally
get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...
If you can convince my
wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
Why do gorillas have big noses?
Because they have big fingers.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31