Today's jokes [3.18.10]

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An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, 
and would he have any suggestions.
"Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder."
A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is 
going. He says fine his wife is pregnant.
The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder?"
"Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also....."

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in  danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.  As the crew became frantic,
the  captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and led  the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were 
repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties.  The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"  And once again the battle was
on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties,although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the 
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.  The men became silent 
and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.  The 
Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his 
nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low?
šššSugar is when you kiss her on the lips! 

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through
a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
     A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and
decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He,
too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but
the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting
there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get
out.
     The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the
shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
     He did.

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