Today's jokes [3.16.10]

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A guy hears a knocking on his door.  He opens it up, and no
one is there.  He looks all around and he finally sees a
little snail sitting on the doormat.  He picks it up and
throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his
door.  He opens it up and no one is there.

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail
sitting on the doormat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all
about?"

A guy walks into a store and says to the managaer "why doesn't your store 
have a name", the store manager says "I haven't thought of one yet but I 
think u can help me, what's your girlfriend's name." The guy says "Jenny" 
then the store owner says "What's do you like most about Jenny" and the guy
says "her legs." So the store manager says "ok that's what we'll call my 
store Jenny's Legs. Here's a coupon come back tomorrow morning and you can 
have a free drink." And the man says "ok."
The next day the man comes back to the store banging on the window yelling 
" where's my free drink, where's my free drink!" Then a police officer comes
up to him and says "What are you doing?" and the guy says "I'm waiting for 
Jenny's Legs to open up."  

There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was 
driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in 
South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. 

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go 
flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the 
damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise 
the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes 
his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" 

The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a 
sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of 
arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! 
We should be friends."

The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk 
and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast 
to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs 
the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the 
bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third
and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy. 

The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to 
show up." 

   A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
   getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to
   make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she
   is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay
   with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not
   mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a
   marriage.
   
   Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that
   he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is
   just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay
   with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does
   not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more
   important than sex in a marriage.
   
   They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to
   Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her
   clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his
   clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell
   to the floor.
   
   After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got
   married, why did you still faint?"
   
   The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby".
   
   The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".
   

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
 How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old
man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

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