Today's jokes [3.11.10]

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"Information.  Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please."  Pause.  "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing 
for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no.  It isn't a person.  It's an organization.  It's Theater
Guild."

"I told you, sir.  I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*!  *Theater*!  The word is *theater*.  
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?
A: Divorced.

Serbian official press agency claimed today that Serbian forces shot down 
two F-117 Planes and four Ballistic "smart" missiles.
Pentagon denied the statement, saying that all of them had safely returned 
to NATO's base.

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see
a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.  First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting.  My boss, outrageous,
fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home
and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to
my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple
go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. 
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you
can open your robe." 
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you
are so beautiful, let me take your picture." 
Puzzled she asks, "my picture?" 
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next
to my heart forever." 
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the
new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." 
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaimes, "oh, oh, my,
let me get a picture." 
He beams and asks, "why?" 
She answers, "so I can get it enlarged!" 

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