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Today's jokes [3.10.10]

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   On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked
   his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.
   She said, "I can't wear your pants."
   "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the
   one who wears the pants in the family."
   The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.
   "No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.
   "That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your
   attitude." she said and smiled.


What women want in a relationship:  A handsome, loving professional
man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get:  A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only
because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman:  A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee
Anderson;  Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off
a flag pole.

What men get:  Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra
lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed:  A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss
and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What men expect out of a marriage:  3 loving children who honor their
What they get:  3 helions who are a combination of their parents every
fault and make their life a living hell.

1st anniversary card from husband to wife:  "My sweet loving wife....I
hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart
and soul, I am forever yours."

5th anniversary card:  "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."

10th anniversary card:  "Hey, how's it hangin'?  Love Ya'!!"

15th anniversary card:  "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"

16th anniversary card from wife to husband:  "You are hereby summoned
to divorce proceedings..."


What do you call 2 blondes in the front seat of a car? 

Dual air bags! 


Lesbians can also take Viagra. 
They don't have to swalow it, they just let it melt in their tongues. 


While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand
new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong
to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I
had tennis elbow once."


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