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Today's jokes [2.9.10]

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What's a famous saying at a gay bar? 
May I push in your stool.

Sent by Jeff

1. 




Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing 
thing that happened the night before.
"Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into 
bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse 
she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.
Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, 
lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble 'n' strife. 
Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I'd accidentally walked into my 
eight year olds daughter's room by, and worse still she was on the 
swimming team and didn't smoke.

2. 




Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a
harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware
of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like
a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."

3. 




   A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
   22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
   takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
   
   A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No
   one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can
   rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend
   over, and I'll do you in the ass."
   
   The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
   trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
   After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
   staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
   
   He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
   bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
   moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
   
   "You know what to do."
   
   Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
   and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
   sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
   him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
   him and says,
   
   "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
   


4. 




   A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG
   !
   He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he
   thinks. Then he hears the
   voice again: I SAID, DIG !
   So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
   inches, he finds a small
   chest with a rusty lock.
   The deep voice says: OPEN !
   Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which
   to destroy the lock,
   and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
   The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
   Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
   and walks to the
   casino.
   The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
   So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and
   goes to one of the tables,
   where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
   The deep voice says: 27 !
   He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly
   bursts. Everybody is quiet
   when the croupier throws the ball.
   The ball stops at the 26.
   The deep voice says: SHIT !
   


5. 



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