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Today's jokes [2.26.10]

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   Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
   penis erect, can you
   help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well
   the problem is that the
   muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really
   nothing I can do for
   you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks
   sadly, "And that
   would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the
   muscles from the
   trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks
   about it silently then
   says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex
   again is too much,
   let's go for it."
   Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and
   healing, returned to the Doc
   for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack
   "healed and ready
   for action".
   Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a
   romantic evening for
   his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town,
   anticipating a happy
   conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring
   between his legs that
   continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack
   placed his napkin on
   his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his
   pants, flipped the
   napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and
   then returned to his
   pants!
   His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the
   possibilities, said with a sly
   smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it
   again?" Jack groaned,
   "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
   


1. 




A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. 

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. 
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
 wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW!  He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway.  The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. 

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP.  The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. 

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. 
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're 
supposed to!"

2. 




At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young 
man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and 
everything.

When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his 
fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of 
the fork are you referring to?'

3. 




This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions.

guy: "Why are girls so pretty?"
God: "So you'll like them."

guy: "Why are girls soft?"
God: "So you'll like them."

guy: "Why are girls so dumb?"
God: "So they'll like you."

4. 




Sorry Texans....

A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap.  He returned to
his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his
coyotes was caught in a trap.

"How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma game
warden.

"Well," replied the Texas game warden,  "He's already chewed off three
of his legs and he's still trapped!"


5. 



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