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Today's jokes [2.22.10]

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An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had
to fart.  She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.
He began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Why, yes, I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit
in a pine tree."

1. 




Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test

                                           (the S.A.P.)



                   ENGLISH
     
1.  Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
    a.   b.   c.   d.   e. none of the above
     
2.  ingot:bleak   ::   ingot:_______
    a. tepid   b. gold   c. oak   d. bolonga   e. bleak
     
3.  pork:algae   ::   green:_______
    a. six   b. five   c. ten   d. marble   e. red
     
4.  mugger:park   ::   king:_______
    a. castle   b. burger   c. queen   d. Jacuzzi   e. bleak
     
     
                READING COMPREHENSION
     
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.
    
  In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather.  These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious.  Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots."
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.
     
1.  In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
    a. Japanese   b. Urdu   c. Bengali   d. British   e. Media
     
2.  The term "most Western" means
    a. Hawaii   b. John Ford's longest film   c. nothing   d. correct
     
3.  A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
    a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
    b. The sun has sunspots
    c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
    d. all of the above
     
     
                  MATHEMATICS
     
1.  Which of the following is a number?
    a. blue   b. Jacques Cousteau   c. watermelon   d. John Doe   e. 5
     
2.  If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
    and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
    get anything he wants from Grover?
    a. 0%   b. 100%   c. a and b   d. a only   e. b only
     
3.  Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch.  The
    pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
    for a hundred and twenty-five.  What was the relative rate of
    mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
    worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
    the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
    watch's value?
    a. 100   b. 50   c. 75   d. 115   e. none of the above
    
                                           /\50 6/\
5. Calculate the shaded area             6/  \__/  \2
    of the figure at the right.          /     2    |
    a. 0   b. 50%   c. c only            \    /\    |
    d. the answer is a                   9\  /7 \   |10
    e. go back, it's a                     \/   8\__|
     
6.  Grant McSwine is a repairman.  If he tells Mr. White that it
    will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
    it really take him?
    a. six weeks   b. half an hour   c. about three hundred dollars longer
    d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated
     
     
                   QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON
     
In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.
     
          a. 2                           b. 15
          a. the area of a circle        b. the area of a square
             whose area is 10               whose area is 10
          a. my dad                      b. your dad
          a. New York City               b. Limpid, Iowa
          a. something                   b. nothing
          a. a mountain                  b. a molehill



2. 




HOW TO COOK A TURKEY!
(The Thanksgiving Special)

Step 1:Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turk

Sent by Alex

3. 




 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted to
watch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michels
on WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so she
can knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted to
watch the discovery channel on how a baby is born. After some dicussion,
they all decided to flip channels every 2 seconds so they can watch the
same things.
This is what is sounded like:
And they're off! They're on top of each other! In...Out...In...Out...and
yes, the baby is born!

4. 




What's the difference between women and men? 

     One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness. 

5. 



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