Today's jokes [2.2.10]

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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the
 doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the
 first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor
 replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say
 something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it
 again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her
 deafness".

 Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He
 starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping
 some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
 He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet
 closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about
 an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

The first Jewish woman President is elected.
She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections,
you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"
"But I only eat kosher food"
"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come mama"
"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court
Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman
on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?"
..."Her brother's a doctor!" 

The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were
shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man's
oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous
blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace,
the friend asked "How in the hell did YOU land a wife
like that?"
The old man whispered back, "Easy. I told her I was 90!"

   The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was
   to be direct about
   it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and
   said,"Hey, honey,
   whaddaya say to a little fuck?"
   She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
   

Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree? 

'cause he was dead...

Why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree? 

'cause he was dead too...

Why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?

peer pressure...

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