Today's jokes [2.16.10]
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A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in
to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right
down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I
sure wish I could do that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a
little bit first."
A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a
large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.
As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have
some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.
The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the
farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheep
says anything about me, it's a damned lie!"
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord
himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour
again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a
reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to
eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a
divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting
a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney.
"Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No," replied the
woman, "and neither does the little queer."
What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...
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