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Today's jokes [2.11.10]

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Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not
to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I
love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.



1. 




A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

2. 




So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that
things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be
on time and that they will work for many long hours. The timpanist,
expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the
drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around
furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!" 

3. 




If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the
NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast
for reasons of national security.

4. 




   This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife,
   so he went to the
   doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have
   sex, to stick his
   finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the
   smell would cause his
   hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he
   decided to make his
   move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger
   in her pussy, and then
   rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began
   to stiffen. Amazed, he
   decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them
   in her pussy, then
   rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4
   erect. He decided to
   try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all
   around under his nose.
   Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said,
   "Honey, quick
   turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and
   with his dick standing
   tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and
   said, "Looks like the
   worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"
   


5. 



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